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| Senior Humor | ||
| These probably do not apply to our classmates | ||
--- Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into
his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to
give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor.
The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew
of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see
like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and
suggested that they play a round together and Jeb could use
him to watch where he hit his golf ball.
Well Jeb made arrangements to bring old Wilbur golfing. On
the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of
course, he couldn't see where it went.
He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"
To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."
Jeb asked, "Where did it go?"
Wilbur replied, "I forget!"--- An elderly man and his wife were sitting in the living room
and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live
in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all of his
beer.--- "OLD" IS WHEN.....
- Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer,
"Pick one, I can't do both!"
- Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
- A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
- "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
- "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
- An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.--- An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical
as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've
stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He
says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as
your inner child playing with matches.--- Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts
her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was
I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells
back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up
the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I
sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She
then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I
see who's at the door."--- Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."--- A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."--- An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband
was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we
were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and
tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my
neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"--- 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the
retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and
announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have
sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."--- Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were
playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long
time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought
and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
your name is."
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."--- As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds
of them!"--- Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back
up!--- There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and
one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger
and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of
his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries,
divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took
a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man
began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to
get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking.
"That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for
the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood
and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered
to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man
replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing
everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came
over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to
sharing everything together. As the little old man finished
eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the
young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to
their table and offered to buy them some food. After being
politely refused again he finally asked a question of the
little old lady. "So, what is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered...
"THE TEETH"--- I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma
hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly
remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same
name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years
before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a
secret crush on way back then?? When I got into the
treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought. This
balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much
too old to have been my secret crush... or was he??? After
he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended Morgan Park
High School. "Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming
with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "1959. Why do
you ask?" He answered. "Well, you were in my class!" I
exclaimed. Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a bitch
asked, "What did you teach?"--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles
fill out.--- A little old woman calling Mt Sinai Hospital says,
"Hello darling. I'd like to talk to the person who gives
information regarding your patients. I want to know if the
patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is
getting worse." Do you know the patient's name and room
number ?" "Yes, darling. She is Sarah Finkle in room 302."
"Oh yes. Mrs. Finkle is doing very well. In fact, she's had
2 full meals, blood pressure is fine, blood work is normal
and she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a few
hours and if she continues to improve Dr. Cohen will send
her home Tuesday afternoon." "Thank God! That's wonderful!
That's fantastic news, darling!" "From your enthusiasm I
take it you must be a close family member or close friend."
"I am Sarah Finkle in room 302 AND Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me
sh--!"---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
--- I recently picked a new primary care physician. After
two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
"fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that
comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll
live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or
drink beer?" "Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued
ribs? I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very
unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said. He said, "Do
you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy
women?" "No," I said, "I've never done any of those
things." He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you
want to live to be 80 ??"---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still
look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down
first.--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so
I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and
start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for
seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards
on, the class was over.--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your
own Easter eggs.--- A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"--- A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."--- Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking
down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
" Get a hot mamma and be cheerful. "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur.Be careful.'"---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.--- A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis.--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up
to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your
husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So
you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly
worth going home, is it?--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a
hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a
jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and
says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the
doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in
your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old
man. "That's why I want it lowered!"--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told
her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted
to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered
over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-
Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some
parts of my body are just prone to swinging.---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my
age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget
the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run
into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.